Love Letter
by ArsenicIcing
Summary: Allen writes his feelings for Kanda in a letter. Chapter 2 is Kanda's reply to Allen. Italic parts are lyrics to songs by Mayday Parade.
1. Allen's Letter

I just couldn't leave it alone. These past months have been long an awkward, honestly. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I just felt like I had to do this, even though every single part of me told me I didn't have to, or that it was a bad idea. I put the letter I wrote in an unmarked envelope, and slid it under his door. I know he's coming back tomorrow from a mission. I hope he's in good health, because if not I'll feel even worse than I do now. It's not like I'm blaming anyone but myself for what happened, but I know it was both of us.

Kanda,

_I've been spending every second wishing I could disappear. _

I remember feeling like we would last forever. I thought you and I were perfect. Now, when he isn't distracting me, all I think of is you. I think about what we had, and I can't explain to myself how things went wrong so quickly. I don't know if I really miss you, or I just miss being with someone. I know that I can't sleep as well anymore, and that it hurts sometimes, when I see you now. We decided to be "just friends." What does that really mean?

_I've broken every rule that I've known,_

_since you told me that I've gotta have passion._

_Honestly, you've got me all wrong._

We thought we could do this. Right now, I feel like I just can't. We have tried so many times since we separated, to just hang out together like normal. I find it so easy to pretend around you, until you move close to me, you touch me, and suddenly I can't move. At first it was fine, but the more I encounter you, and I realize we can never, ever have back what we lost, I feel so alone. I thought you were the best thing that had ever happened to me. Where did we go wrong?

_When you were at the top of my list,_

_I promised you that this wouldn't happen..._

_How do I begin to explain? _

Lack of communication, different lifestyles, not seeing each other as often as we'd like, I could list so many things, and lay the blame on so many other problems. I was too late, and it felt like you didn't care anymore. I guess now I'll always wish I had said something sooner, brought up the problem, just started a conversation, so that we wouldn't have ended.

When it was all ending, all I could remember was kissing you. All I could think about was how hard I was trying, and I felt like you didn't try at all. I just wanted to know that you loved me, more than anything, but that's not what you had to say.

"_We're too different."_

"_I don't know if I can work around that."_

Those responses cut away at me. They ate and tore my heart, until I had no choice but to end it. I never wanted to give up on us, on you.

Now when we meet, you're so much happier, and it's like nothing ever happened.

_And I know one day I'll start to speak again. _

_I just need some inspiration I can rightfully defend._

I can suppress anything I feel for you. I'm getting better at it everyday. But make no mistake, I will never forget the way I felt about you. Some part of me, deep inside, will always, always miss what we had. Making love to you, kissing your lips, just being with you, none of that will ever go away.

_When it's over tell me when to let go. I'll be the last one to know._

I guess what I want you to know more than anything right now, is that I'll always love you. Maybe, somehow, we always knew we were destined to lose; we could never have made it. I would have given anything for you. If someday you ask me to, I think I still would. I'll never love Lavi the way I loved you. I just had to tell you.

_Tell me what it takes to move on._

Love,

Allen


	2. Kanda's Reply

It was good to have something to take my mind off the last few months. I've struggled more than I did before, socially anyway. After reading his letter, I'm even more on edge lately. I see him with Lavi, and I'm confused as to why the hell he thought he needed to write down this shit. I don't understand. He can't just expect me, of all people, to accept this and do nothing with it. I'd confront him if I could, but as much as I hate to admit it, I need to rest. I guess I'll do it anyway.

Allen,

_I'm burned out like a bright light, I wasn't ready for this._

I never gave up, you dumb ass. I just knew there was nothing I could have said to save us. So why try. The truth hurts, but its still always there. It's reality. We know it better than any one else. You and I. Its impossible to just stay friends when we still have feelings like this. Everyone saw it. The constant fighting, if you want to blame me fine, I think I can take that. But what I can't accept is the feeling alone shit you talked about. You got together with him so quickly. Like we meant nothing.

_And when they start to ask questions I'll make sure to be clear.  
_

I don't know how you can say that and feel OK with yourself. It's not like I didn't want to try. I was scared too. But now, none of that matters.

_When you see my friends tell them hi for me.  
Tell them what you think about the way you handled everything.  
You turned and all you left me with was this broken key.  
So tell me what you think. _

You're the one that wrote me off. Don't forget that. We were still on a break. You should have given us more time. You said you wanted to be happy again. So leaving me make you happy? Fine. I'm glad you feel that way. You meant so much to me, and when things got really messed up you ran. You're such a child.

_You gave me the time of my life and cut like a knife to the bone._

I won't say anything else. I loved you. I can leave well enough alone though. You're wrong. We could have made it. I wasn't the one who gave up, you were. Don't place the blame on anything but fear. You didn't have to tell me anything. Let's leave it at that next time.

___So do your best for me _

_**-Kanda.**_


End file.
